Knitpickity

Patrick has 3 months to learn to do Laundry

Wow.

Wow.

I am very pleased but a bit overwhelmed.  Patrick was chosen to participate in the Duke Talent Identification Program and took the ACT about 2 weeks ago.

Today we found out his scores. He received a 20 composite  (English 21, Math 19, Reading 17 and Science 22.)

He qualifies as for a State Recognition Award and can participate in the Duke TIP Academy for Summer Studies.  I think this is really what he needs and will be a great opportunity.  He will attend at Texas A&M or U of Kansas both of which are about 600 miles away.  That is a long long way away for a kid that has never spent more than 1 night away from home.  But hopefully he will grow and mature and learn and have so much fun he will not mind. 

He will have to do his own laundry for 3 weeks.  Actually I pray  he will do his own laundry during that three week period - the alternative is scary and a bit icky to think about.

I am a bit overwhelmed by the cost.  The tuition/room/board alone will run me $3000 plus their are some other expenses.  I had planned on putting in a fence this spring but I think that will have to wait now.

But I am very proud of him and hopefully this will motivate him and encourage him - it is a special opportunity!

Why does grunting help?

I have had a wonderful busy week - a going away party for a friend, my sister is visiting and my mother had a birthday.  So lots going on but nothing has inspired me to write.  Just very busy and when I sit down for  a few minutes at the end of the day I tend to crash.

My laundry and housework is caught up for the week,  I grilled out enough yesterday so that I do not have to cook for days.  I need to login to work and get some reports done and I owe 4 friends a return email.  But I think I might just go curl up in front of the TV, with a rose catalog to figure out what I need to plant first in my new garden.  Which means I will be out like a light in about 10 minutes but with lovely flower filled dreams

I did learn this week that I am much stronger than I used to be.  I had to put the cover back on Catherine's bottom bunk which is a full sized futon.  When we first got it, I could not lift the mattress, make the bed into a sofa or move the whole structure by myself.   Yesterday I did all three with ease.  I also learned that if you grunt it gets easier to do heavy lifting.  Why??

So question of the week - why does grunting make you stronger? hmmmm

What turns a house into a home

Quick and probably incoherent post tonight.  I worked from 4:45am yesterday to 2:15am today and while I had a couple of naps, I am still pretty wiped out so I need to go to bed soon.

Today was a gorgeous day.  The kind of day that really hints of spring with mild temperatures and the air is soft and settles around you like the best kind of hug.  I was sitting on my bed today with my laptop, working, and looked out my window to see a bluebird.  I have never seen one in person before and they are just breathtaking.  They are supposed to be signs of good luck and happiness so I am going to enjoy and hope and throw logic to the wind.

I took a walk around my yard today.  I was looking at the flower beds in front and the vast of expanse of back yard that is begging to be transformed into a beautiful garden and realized that this is finally beginning to feel like my home.  It is no longer the perfect house for me, it is where I live and where I belong and where my dreams can grow again.

I was trying to figure out what transformation had taken place.  Why was it so right.  Was it the number of mortgage payments or the fact that my pretty house is quite the mess after a bunch of company over the weekend and a hellatious work week so far.  Nope.  To me it is the fact that it now holds memories of good things in my life and the potential for many good memories in the future.  It is our memories that make a place home.  Have you ever noticed certain scents immediately evoke that feeling of being home.  That inner contentment of being in the place where you belong?  It is because of the memory.

Misandrist? No really I am not.

I need to go walk to get rid of some anger and frustration.  Ken has upset Catherine and I am powerless to help her. 

This weekend I ate dinner with a bunch of friends and then we all congregated at my house the next day.  I mentioned at the dinner that I did not date and afterwards the husband of a friend of mine asked her if I was a "Man Hater" - she explained that I was not - just hated my ex.  (She told me this story the next day)  I hugged her and laughed and explained that I did not hate my ex either.  Just that I was busy raising kids and they were my focus.  Ken does drive me insane from time to time (mostly when he does not realize his kids are just kids not buddies) but there are no feelings of hatred.

This week it seems like my ex and his girlfriend are having issues and he is confiding in his kids.  Catherine especially does not want to know about his love life.  Or his drinking.  Or anything else adult.

Five for Fighting has a very poignant song about divorce from the viewpoint of a child.  I do not want to get into trouble with the copyright police so I will just post the lyrics but I highly recommend that you listen to it as well . . .

Love Song- Five For Fighting

Put away your tears and your sleepy eyes
Put away that bullshit, big boys they don't cry to their mommas
... she'll be back soon
Put away your raincoat and make your bed
Take another bullet right to your head
Now, we're going on a picnic and we'll get there soon

And she says... maybe it's over
He says... there's plenty more fish in the sea
I say... don't go away from me

Now put away your dinner and have a snack
Tie your little brother up in a sack now
We're moving to the country and we'll get there soon (she says)

Now, pack up all the things that you don't deserve
Take another swing... well here comes a curve ball
I bet you can't hit it cuz you'll swing to soon

And she says... maybe it's over
He says... there's plenty more fish in the sea
I say... don't go away...don't go away...
Please don't go away, from me
But can you take it to hard
I'll never leave you

Take those damn pictures off of that shelf
Put away your mommy you don't need her
I found you a new one... she'll be here soon

And she says...my God it's over,
He says...I found another fish in the sea
I say... why me?
Why me?
Why me?
Why is it me?

I don't hate men, I don't hate Ken - but I do get tired of the relationship thing.  And that is the main reason I am avoiding men.  I just am seeing it tear up my kids and that has convinced me to stay strong and single.

Pictures for Kathleen

OK no time to write but here are the requested pics :)

In Memory of Bart 4/1/1991 - 2/15/2007

Bart we love you and will miss you so much.  Rest in peace and play in God's garden.

Lillies of the Valley

Well I did not receive a post mortem yesterday so that remains unchanged.

It was an eventful Valentine's day though.

One of the most interesting things is that I was mentioning to a friend earlier in the week that someday if I ever found a man who truly loved me he would get me lillies of the valley for Valentine's day instead of roses.  They are rare and pure and smell so wonderful and are delicate and to me truly represent what love is.  Well I opened my gift from my Mother last night and there was a bag of bulbs - yup you guessed it - Lillies of the Valley.  It was incredible because I had never mentioned them to her and she just knew.  There was also a candle and chocolate and a sweet card and a funny card.  And a wonderful home cooked meal.  It was so nice and wonderful.

My kids got me Godivas and a card and were just super sweet.  They were also very excited about the other gift I received this year - probably more than I was.  The gentleman at work that I predicted might bring me a gift was extravagant beyond all imagination.  It was a gift for a movie star or a princess.  A dozen Leonidas roses beautifully arranged and a pound of chocolate (also Godivas)  The flower arrangement is so tall that it would not fit under my light fixture on my table.  I accepted the gift with gratitude and it was just amazing and thoughtful and since he is a contractor and leaving Memphis on Friday for good I knew there were no ulterior motives.  He just wanted to express his admiration and it was truly a magnificent gift.

So back to the kids reaction.  The kids are very glad that I don't date.  They are living through their Dad's relationship and it means that there have been lots of changes and they see more changes coming.  So me just being Mom makes for a rock and a safe place.  But they want to see me happy too.  So having someone have a crush on Mom makes them feel better.  They know that I am single by choice and that someone out there thinks that their Mom rocks.  I mean, what good is it having a Mom that nobody else wants LOL

So I made it through the day fairly well.  And to make sure that I did not mope after I got the kids in bed, I got on the treadmill and worked out to Ozzy - hard to brood over lonliness with that blasting in your ears.

So I will probably need a few more days to get back to feeling ok but I think I did pretty well.  I feel like I made Valentine's Day as nice for other people as they made it for me.  I still did not like it but I tried to embody what my faith and my beliefs tell me what is right to do.

What do I really want for Valentine's Day? A post mortem would be nice

I went to a funeral this weekend for the mother of a friend and a co-worker.  Several people today stopped me to ask how the service went and each and everyone said - "Oh I did not go because I do not *do* funerals."  Well I am sorry that is a selfish and rotten thing.  No one likes going to funerals.  They are sad and awkward but the family left behind deserves friends and comfort.

I feel the same way about Valentine's Day as lots of people feel about funerals.  It is not a wonderful, fun filled, romantic day for me. However, my children and parents celebrate it and it is not fair for me to rain on their parade.  So I will do my best to join in the festivities and know that it is one day and it will be over.

The raw, blinding pain from the heartbreak has faded some.  So now I can shake my head in bewilderment and say "What happened?"  There was never any discussion of what the problems were, the relationship just blew up in my face.  So I am left standing here, confused with a broken heart and no answers.  So standing there looking at cards that scream love and passion and romance just rubs salt into the wounds.

When someone dies, there are questions about what killed the person.  When someone is murdered you want to know what happened and where the body is.  People need closure.  I have no closure.  I wish I could appeal and say "If I ever meant anything to you, can you tell me your side of the story?"  But that will not happen.  They say to get over a relationship to avoid the person.  What if that is not possible.  What if you have to face the person almost every day?  It is like leaving the corpse there dead and unburied.  It starts to smell after a time, but we are well bred enough to pretend like it is not there and nothing ever happened.

I know as long as the questions are there and as long as I have to face the failure of the relationship on a regular basis that it will take a long time to get over the wounds.  I have come to accept that it may never happen.  I have gotten very good at pretending that it does not matter and that as long as I fill my life with my kids and work and the like that I will be fulfilled.  I am wistful about what might have been and what other people have but I am lucky and blessed in other ways.

I think I am going to get a Valentine's Day gift from a guy that has asked me out a few times.  For some reason the reply of "I do not date" does not seem to resonate with him.  I think that he believes that I am playing hard to get.  No, I do not date.  Period.  And getting a Valentine's Day gift when you are trying to avoid the whole situation is not welcome.

But not everything in this life is about how you feel.  Most of the time you should do the right thing just because it is the *right* thing.  We live in a society governed by the word ME and doing whatever makes ME HAPPY.

Valentine's day does not make me happy.  Maybe if I had some answers then I could get past the failure and find something special.  I do not see that post mortem in my future though.  So I will smile and hug the family that I love and realize that I can fake it for their sake.

Hmmm funerals and Valentine's Day.  For me, they are oddly appropriate together. 

I like what Patrick said about Valentine's Day - "It can't be a real holiday - we don't get off from school"

Catching up

OK - I know that many times when I don't post it is because I am sad and miserable or empty

This week it was none of the above - just playing catch up from being sick but it has been a very good week.

First my health - my chest is completely clear, my throat is mostly clear and I am almost done battling the sinus infection that I think might have been the root cause of all of the above.  Yes I should have gone to the doctor and antibiotics would have knocked this out sooner but the antibiotics make me pretty ill too so I think it was an ok trade off.  I am not 100% yet, probably around 85% which means I can do most of what I normally do, I just get really tired at the end of the day. 

I am sacking out at night and dreaming lots of vivid dreams and in color that I remember when I am awake which a therapist once told me was bad, but I always feel better when I do that.  I think I let go of more when I do it while I am asleep.  I guess I am not pretending to be anything else when I am asleep so it lets me deal with people and stresses in my own way.

I had my work review this week and it went very well - much better than expected.  I will not go into details here - I get paid by the company that should at least earn my discretion if not my loyalty, but I do want to bubble about one thing.  We get rated on competencies and one of them is Industry Standards and Directions.  I have always been rated in the middle on this one and as the senior engineer in my group I really felt that I needed to improve.  So this year I actively focused on it  I achieved the highest rating.  That made me feel so happy.

Something else wonderful happened this week.  I fell in love with a dining room set about 6 years ago at least and while I was able to buy the china hutch, the dining room table would not fit into my old house.  So this year as a combined birthday/christmas/housewarming present I bought the table and chairs.  I went through our employee store so it came directly from the manufacturer and it arrived this week.  My boss has a truck and he nicely offered to help me bring it home.  So I spent Wednesday and Thursday evening frantically cleaning my house so that when he came over it would be pristine.  So Friday we loaded up the truck and wow was the table top enormously heavy.  And in a big cardboard box I could not get a  grip on it so we engineered it in the house with his muscles mostly and then placed it sunny side down on the living room floor.  I assembled and attached the pedestal base (when u get it from the manufacturer it is not assembled - I almost titled this post "On my knees and screwing" because I have been doing so much of that this weekend putting together the table and the chairs but that would be so unladylike LOL)  My boss and his wife were in the area Friday night so they stopped back by and helped me flip the table upright.  And they stayed for a bit and their sons played with Patrick and I gave a tour of the house.  I am so glad I had cleaned everything.

There was one furniture casualty.  The side chairs went together quickly and easily.  I followed the directions and no problem. So I followed the directions for the first arm chair and it has you putting on the arm last after the back and apron are assembled.  Well since the arms have dowels . . . You guessed it - "SNAP"  - I will contact the manufacturer and get a new arm.  When I built the second arm chair I used logic and put all the dowels in place before using the bolts and it went together beautifully.  I have fixed the broken arm for a temporary fix though and will assemble the chair this morning.  Want to see my table??

and here is the casualty . . .

Actually there was one more casualty - I tripped and slipped and fell and landed right on the edge of the leaf which is still wrapped on the floor of my dining room.  The leaf is fine but there is a horrible black bruise on my posterior.  No pictures of that.

Ken and I split the kids this weekend to give them some one on one time.  I tried to learn to play Call of Duty 3 at Patrick's request but was just horrible at it.  How many buttons do the kids have to manipulate at one time - seventy five?  It sure seemed like it.  Then Saturday morning Patrick took the ACT which he felt was pretty easy except for the math.  We should have his scores in 3 weeks.  I had planned on hanging out with Patrick Saturday afternoon but instead had to go to the funeral service for a dear friend's mother.  It was a lovely service and I was glad to be there to support the family.  There was also another person there that had been a friend of mine but we had  falling out about 2 years ago.  She extended an olive branch that I gratefully accepted and while I am not sure we will ever be close friends again it is nice to put that feud to rest.

Today I have Catherine and we are going to the ballet this afternoon.  It is going to be to the music of Roy Orbison and I am really looking forward to it. 

So lots and lots of friends and family stuff and just not lots of time to write.  But I think this was a pretty good job of catching up  - phew :)

Ponderings on virtue vs wickedness

I have always believed in good over evil.  That virtue always will be rewarded.  That right triumphs and happy endings are possible.  I have a passion for justice and love and goodness.

I think when Queen Victoria said "I will be good" that it meant so much to her - a faith and belief that good exists and can live in a world often perceived as evil and unjust.

I really just like to see positive, wonderful things rewarded.  I have never been interested in revenge or smiting of the wicked.  I think as long as evil is vanquished we should not glorify its demise.  It is gone and we should rejoice in the happy things that can now take place.  Always looking forward, not dwelling in the past.

Today I found out a wrong was righted on my behalf.  That the wickedness that I perceived was truly real but in the end integrity prevailed and I was the recipient of the reward.  I don't feel triumphant or vengeful, I just feel grateful that someone believed in me enough to champion me and stand up for what he believed was right.  Everything that was done on my behalf was done fairly with no thoughts of punishment or revenge.

I have fought so long for my beliefs and for the most part have always tried to live and exemplify integrity.  It was humbling and magnificent to have someone else take up the battle for me.  It confirms for me that sometimes while the path may not be easy it is still the right way to go.  The challenges I face will teach me and make me stronger and more compassionate and maybe even help me learn patience and some wisdom.

1.Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2: but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
3: He is like a tree planted by streams of water, that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.
4: The wicked are not so, but are like chaff which the wind drives away.
5: Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
6: for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.
Psalm 1

Ever wish there was a kitchen cleaning fairy??

OK I am sitting here blogging when I should be cleaning the kitchen.  I really wish I had a kitchen cleaning fairy to take care of it tonight. Guess after I get some guilty time on my blog I will morph into a kitchen cleaning, bathroom wiping, floor mopping fairy LOL

I am beginning to feel a bit better.  I am still coughing - told a funny story at dinner and the kids and I were laughing so hard that I started coughing and turned really red.  That made Catherine laugh more.  I don't feel as tired and drained tonight so maybe the end is in sight and I will be cured of the bubonic plague or whatever I have had for the past few weeks.  A friend threatened to make me go to the doctor today - ha!  I am well enough to go to work I do not need a doctor.

I also took care of a couple of important things today.  That makes me feel good.  I got tags for my car (mine are expired and ugh I did get a ticket - I just go downtown and show them my tags and they dismiss my infraction)  and I signed up for the TN and National No Call Registry so the solicitation calls stop.

Well I need to go figure out what the strange sticky substance is on my kitchen floor.  Sticky situations rarely resolve themselves.

Hmmm wisdom in that statement somewhere.

Oh and quote of the night

Catherine:  "No serious Mom ever laughs at a wedgie"

Beginning to think a trip to the doctor is coming

Ugh - ok this is ridiculous - I am still coughing and still fighting this bug.  I don't feel like I am sick enough to go to the doctor but I guess this is a length of time issue and I should break down and go.

I really loathe going to the doctor.

Having a nice low key weekend with the kids.  Every so often I try and say "no" less.  As a parent, saying no becomes an automatic answer - sometimes you don't really even hear what your child is asking.  So this weekend I am trying to have a break from no.  Took the kids to the mall yesterday and gave them both $20 so they could buy what they wanted without me deciding.  Patrick bought some shoe type thingys at American Eagle and Catherine got some American Girl Body Splash in Apple Blossom from Bath and Body Works and a little jewelry box from Claire's.  I bought myself some lavender bath salts and when we got home I cleaned my bedroom and bathroom and last night I soaked in my tub with my new bath salts.  I slept in a pretty nightgown in fresh sheets and a pristine room.  It is hard not to feel a bit better when clean and surrounded by lavender and roses and honeysuckle.

Well I am going to get some different cough medicine today and see if that helps and keeps me away from the doctor.  I am going to get the family room clean and at least wipe down the kids bathrooms and then watch the superbowl.  I am really rooting for the commercials more than either team.

So nothing exciting - not enough time or energy for hobbies.  But nothing bad either.  Just life.

The opposite side of the coin

No snow day today.  Woke up this morning around 4am and noticed it was not going to be a winter wonderland.  Got up around 5am and started getting everything ready for another day.  When I want to be truly indulgent on a work day I sleep until *gasp* 5:30am but then I don't have much time if the kids have any of life's little emergencies.  If I keep pretty busy until 11pm every night then I can keep on top of work and the kids and the house and bills etc.  I have been sick for the past two weeks so I am not able to do as much as I normally do and I can't go as long either.  Fortunately it is winter and so there is no outside maintenance.  And I will work really hard this weekend and try and get the inside caught up.

I googled a little bit about day in the life of a single parent today to see if I am just retarded and disorganized and that is why I have to work so hard to keep caught up.  The good news is no, this grind is normal and it is what is to be expected.

The bad news was this article First a Bit of Advice for All Single Moms Out there - this article is depressing I will warn you.  But I think it voices some of the deep seated fears of so many of us out here.   This is what gives so many of us the blues.  It is the other side of the coin.  That no matter what we sacrifice and hope for that it will be in vain.  That the things we take pride in will have no value or reward.

Well I have tarried too long - I need to get dinner on the table.