Haptephobic

I got hugged today.

That may not sound like a big deal. People hug all of the time. I give and receive hugs, but usually it is something I have to brace myself mentally and physically to do so.

I have issues with being touched. I know the root cause of this issue and it blends in nicely with my need to be in control and my trust problems as well. It goes back many years, long before Ken and is sad but unfortunately very common.

And knowing why you feel a certain way doesn't always solve the phobias and fears.

I do not like to go to the doctor, the dentist, get a massage etc because I do not like to be touched by strangers. The nice guy that helps you down from the hayride - ha I always get down without assistance. I have learned to shake hands with strangers and deal fine with that. Pedicures are OK - but only if they are done by a woman. I went into a shop where a man was doing them and I almost left but luckily there was a woman available. I dislike being touched by men more than women but it makes me uncomfortable either way. Now large quantities of tequila help me get past my fears - but that is really pathetic and I recognize that fact. Hence I refuse to go to bars or engage in casual sex and have issues with dating. I like to protect myself and my space.

With most friends and acquaintances I can hug them (usually on the receiving end) or give a cheek kiss if I tense up really tight and take a deep breath. I do not want to hurt their feelings and they have done nothing wrong so I deal with it. But they often notice and I feel badly about my response. Simple contact should not be this hard.

If you are a close friend then I will squeeze your hand. I am comfortable with that and it means that I like and appreciate you. It is warm and friendly and intimate enough.

I am usually at ease hugging and kissing my kids and most of my family but sometimes even they take me by surprise and I have trouble adjusting.

But there have been less than 5 non relatives in my life that I could just be comfortable in a hug. That number includes what happened today. I have a good friend at work - we have been friends from the day I started (so over 8 years now) and never anything more - but he is like a brother to me and we share confidences about work and our personal lives. He is one of the few people that see my eyes and vice versa. We are both very good hiding behind appearances and personality. He has been having a rough time of it for the past year and to be honest he has faced many challenges and overcome many obstacles in his past. Well today I saw he needed a pick me up and I reached out and grabbed his hand as we were walking past each other - we have both been really busy for the past several weeks and I wanted him to know that a friend cared.

Well he did something he has never done before. He grabbed onto my hand and walked behind me and hugged my shoulders by wrapping his arm around me. At first I was startled but then I realized I was not panicking. He was safe to hug and he must have found a rare place on my trusted people list. So I relaxed and hugged his arm back. I felt so much tension leave us both. A 30 second hug probably did more good than weeks of therapy. It felt good to know that I could still trust and touch and not be scared. I always feel so wound up and brittle - the rare hugs I can enjoy seem to fix that and last a long time.

This was done in a hall at work. He just touched my shoulders - there was nothing adult or improper about his touch. Like buddies or kids - full of innocence and genuine affection.

So I got hugged and hugged back even. Made me feel alive and happy. I did something not because it was the right thing to do but because it felt good.

Comments

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting this. I identify with much of what you have written in this entry. It's nice to know we're not alone.

[Samuel Warren]

I understand how you feel. I am the same way with contact from just about anyone (except for a few close friends and relatives). It's not something you can just get over either. I know that I'm crazy when I freak out when I get tapped on the shoulder. I understand that it's not normal, but I can't stop the way I feel when it happens.

[InVegas....]

Strange as it may be, for a person to openly say "You're fucked up" has a serious problem. Maybe they did not read how you evolved from "fucked up" to "accepting who you are and living"...
Knitpickity, your response is classic...keep growing those roses....

[Bear]

You're fucked up.

Seriously, whatever your hangup is - Let it go.

Fuck it, you know?

Do me a favor, and tackle the next person you see... Slam them into the ground and don't let go of them until you feel comfortable enough to hang on.