Knitpickity

Christmas Update and dating or the post Christmas blues

Christmas was very nice

Christmas Eve we made it to Church, neatly pressed and Patrick even had polished shoes - they looked so cute together, see  .  .  .

Then a lovely Christmas Eve at my parents

Santa delivered wonderful presents (including a stocking full of goodies for me {Thank you Mumsie})

Dinner in the pretty dining room even if it is on the old table - the new one should be here soon . . .

And then the kids went to their Dad's at 3 pm, my parents stayed until around 5:30 and I had a nice evening talking to friends on the phone and unwinding.

Then the next day it hit.  The post Christmas Blues.  I have been so damn busy that I have not had time to eat or sleep much less feel and think.  And I went from 90 miles and hour to a dead stop.  It was the sensation of hitting a brick wall.

I know that this is common etc etc but like the common cold it is most unpleasant and you just want to sleep until it goes away.  Which is what I tried to do for two days when I was not at work.  And I was unable to do anything but feel miserable and almost no sleep.  My eyes are tomato red.

Tonight was better because I had a dinner date with my kids - really perked me up lots and made me forget about "stuff" for tonight.

I know some of my problems stem from being lonely.  Now why someone that has a million friends and family feels lonely is a true mystery.  Why is it that we cannot be completely happy with that?  Most people want the icing on the cake - a relationship.

I have thought about dating again but I just can't do it.  I have many offers but manage to make excuses to avoid going on a date.  I know it is because I am afraid.  Afraid of being rejected again.  Between Ken and Andy I think that maybe something is really, terribly wrong with me and over time any guy will come to hate me.  And then the deeper fear is uncovered.  The fear of getting hurt again.  Putting your heart and soul into something and having it disinegrate no matter how desperately you fight to save it.  Losing part of yourself in the process.

I just can't do it.  So I am going to continue to have date nights with the kids and keep my friends around me.  And accept that it is normal and ok to get the blues.  I do sometimes wonder if this is it and I will never be able to have another relationship.  But it is too soon to tell and there are worse fates that can happen.

Soon it will be time to break sod for flowerbeds.  Maybe when I am exhausted from back breaking labor then this will not even creep into my brain.

Hey I might be going through the motions but they are good motions

Phew busy day

Got up just before 7 and got dressed and went to the grocery store and bought what we need for Christmas (except for the tenderloin and asparagus which I will pick up tomorrow)

Started laundry and cleaned up stuff in the kitchen

Put away the groceries and then wrapped presents with the kids - looks much more Christmas-y with presents under the tree then ate lunch

Continued Laundry and cleaned up stuff in the kitchen

Made homemade Chex Mix with the kids

More Laundry and cleaned up stuff in the kitchen

Catherine and I finished unpacking the good stuff and then we polished the silver.  I also figured out which China pattern I want to use for dinner

ummm then there was Laundry and cleaning up kitchen from polishing silver

Picked up the wine for Christmas

yeah I know - Laundry and kitchen

Made dinner

Final load Hallelujah and more kitchen

Made Hip Bulgers (some ppl call them Hello Dolly Cookies)

Made melt in your mouth divine ohsoGOOD Snickerdoodles

and now I am taking a quick break before cleaning up the kitchen and folding the last load and putting away my clothes.

It does not feel real but it is going to be a lovely Christmas

Tonight I still am going to polish Patrick's shoes

Tomorrow I will make the Charlotte, Mushroom Pate, Potato Casserole and Sausage Rollups for breakfast

I will clean the house (it is already picked up and the kids can help lots with that)

I will iron Patrick's Church Clothes and my tablecloth

Pick up the tenderloin and asparagus

Go to Church and then Christmas eve at my parents

And then this little elf will welcome Christmas day!

Holiday Menus

I love to cook.  I have always liked it - never mind doing it and even like the taste of my own cooking.  I love having dinner parties and holiday feasts because I have time to plan the menu and make grocery lists etc.

The only dilemma I have is with holidays - I like to try new things but do not want to mess up tradition.  People associate certain meals with their memories and you have to help recreate it.  But the artiste in me chafes and wants to try new things.  HMMMM better to leave the new things for the dinner parties.

So here are the holiday menus (I am hosting Christmas and New Year's Dinners)

Christmas

Roast Beef Tenderloin (sometimes we do Beef Wellington but the kids really prefer it plain) and this year I may do a Garlic Horseradish Cream Sauce or Bearnaise Sauce

Potato Casserole or maybe Gratin Dauphinois (that would be breaking tradition again but oh what a recipe)

Asparagus steamed with Butter

Rolls

Olives, Scallions, Pickles

Charlotte Russe (may make a raspberry sauce to serve on the side)

The only question (other than the potatoes and sauces LOL) is whether or not to serve either a shrimp salad or shrimp cocktail as a first course - I know my parents would say it is too much food but I have great dishes for it (low etched sherbets from the 1940's) and it would add a nice touch - hmmm  I am also trying to resist making mushroom pate as an appetizer too - It is a small group and no one is a huge eater.

Now the New Year's Day menu.  I love this meal and do not mess with it - I am adding my sweet potato souffle this year but that is a tried and true from Thanksgiving that the kids have requested and I have made Gumbo as the first course but the Bisque is so scrumptious and decadent!

Shrimp and Crab Bisque

Ham

Black Eyed Peas

Turnip Greens

Sweet Potato Souffle

Cornbread

Bread Pudding with Bourbon Sauce

Today I worked on the menus, finished up Christmas shopping except for candy for the stockings, taxied the kids to and from school and went to see Eragon (which I loved - think Narnia meets LOTR) we had pizza for dinner and are all kind of sacked out.  Tomorrow I will be more productive but today was nice.

Wrapped in love and warm wishes

Today was my 38th birthday and I have to say thank you to all of my family and friends that showered me with birthday greetings and wonderful things.

I got up and took Catherine to school today (half day), Patrick did not have any exams so I left him sleeping.  I came back to the family room, kitchen and breakfast room all neat and tidy and a sweet 12 year old rushing up to wish me a happy birthday!  I piddled around the house and we hung out until around lunch time and went to pick up Catherine.  I took the kids to meet my parents (to go birthday shopping and lunch) and then I picked up a frappucino for lunch and went and got a blissful manicure and pedicure (Redipus Oedipus by Opi) and ran a couple of errands.  Then I freshened up and went over to my parents house and had a WONDERFUL cake with champagne in a beautifully decorated breakfast room that was PINK and GREEN and YELLOW (I ban Christmas colors on my birthday LOL)  I opened my presents and received beautiful earrings and rose bath gel from Catherine, The Devil Wears Prada DVD from Patrick and GORGEOUS mother of pearl candlesticks from my parents - they are spectacular look . . .

Mumsie mentioned that if I did not like them she might get me something else and keep those.  UM nope mine mine mine - the are beautiful - I am excited about getting candles and taking a bath with them lit - totally decadent!

After the party we ate chinese food at Mulan Bistro - the Hot and Sour Soup was particulary yummy! So I am home now with a very full tummy and getting ready to watch my DVD.  My red hat is being felted for the third time - I think it may have been a bit bigger than the suggested gauge and I am praying to the goddess of knitters to shrink it more!  So a fun ending to a special day!

Phone calls and messages, emails, parties and pedicures, food, family and tons of love.  I am blessed and very lucky by having so many caring loving people near me in the world.  I was not excited about this birthday and am just overwhelmed.

Thank you - I am not sure I deserve it but I do appreciate it so much!!!

Catching up!

I am still alive - just been trying to play catch up from the last incredible week.  Catherine did a great job and the performances were wonderful!  Spent Sunday Christmas shopping and Grocery Shopping and cleaning.  And I am grabbing some naps whenever I can.  My body is craving sleep and lots of water - so I am indulging it a bit.  I lost 5 pounds last week and still am having trouble sleeping for more than a few hours at a time so I figure I need to get back on track.  Luckily today was my last day of work for a week and I am so looking forward to time off and getting ready for Christmas!  Going to go see Eragon this week - heard it was great!

I finished my hat - it is felting right now - pictures tomorrow - need to go and finish cleaning the kitchen and then grab some more sleep.  It has been crazy since August and I am worn out.  But I think this coming week will make me as normal as possible - scary thought LOL

Dinner or Bath

Only have a second or two before I tuck Catherina Ballerina in bed - We got home just after 10pm and I have the laundry started (OK I have 3 loads washed, dried and in baskets to be folded ugh) and I have a choice - I can eat dinner or take a bath.

I am thinking hot bath will be great

It really is fun though - tiring but fun!

Waiting in the wings

Quick post - just got home from the Tech Dress Rehersal and have laundry to do.

Everything went well - got Cat's makeup done (hooray no clown white this year) and downtown on time.  The dancing went as well as can be expected and tomorrow morning is the first school matinee.

Patrick was very mature and handled staying at home by himself for a long period of time fine.  He was fast asleep in his bed when I got home.

I got to work not only backstage but assisted in the wings which was really cool and a really rare opportunity.  Got a couple of pictures - will take more Thursday and then post.

OK laundry is not optional . . . must go!

And

Now it is really feels like my house

Just finished paying bills and paid Utilities, Phone and Mortgage.  Now the house is really mine - at least for this month :)

I am bushed.  My best friend (also a single Mom (we have been friends for years and our divorces came about 6 months apart)) and I were talking today about the comments we get  -  "I don't know how you do it all" it the most common.

Guess what?? We do it all because there is no other choice.

You learn that sleeping and eating are optional activities.

And you learn "there ain't no such thing as a free lunch"

I am going to go fold towels and get ready for bed - busy week with the Nutcracker - I am working backstage for both dress rehersals - this year there will be pictures.

Not a great day but I got lots done and that is what counts.

To my family and friends, Thank you!

I feel like I am supposed to be all back to normal by now but I am not and I feel guilty that my family and friends have to deal with my emotions and problems.  I think it is so sweet the way they have learned to deal with how prickly and independent I am.

This year there has been an unspoken pact amongst them to try and get me more back to normal.  They seem to understand how rough the holidays are on me and they have all been so wonderful and supportive.  Mostly they gently force me into the land of the living and are gracious and forgive my lapses into antisocial behavior.  I really am blessed with having such good and caring people and I do appreciate everything and will keep working on getting past my Grinch-like funk.

I had the kids this weekend and between the every other weekend issues and the Nutcracker we had to cram lots of Christmas preparations into a short time.  But even though it was not one of my better couple of days my friends and my parents helped me through it and even helped me enjoy it some.

Today we trimmed my tree - I did the lights and the beads and a few ornaments and the angel but all of the rest of the ornaments and balls were put on with love by my kids and my parents.  Then we ate chili together for dinner.  I was on edge and snapped a couple of times but my parents just gave me space and let me cope and I am so grateful.  They are helping me put some magic back in Christmas.  I don't even remember last Christmas - I just got through it somehow.  This year I want it to be better and keep going forward.

The tree came out beautifully . . .

I have two more weeks to try and give them the gift of love and caring - that is the meaning of Christmas and I want to give, not just receive.

Bathroom decor

I wanted a feminine, slightly sensual feel to my bathroom and got inspiration in this vintage 1926 Lithograph . . .

And then I stumbled on this lovely William Morris Fabric to do a window treatment and maybe a cover a vanity stool . . .

And I am not a big wallpaper fan but I thought it would be fun to paper the Water Closet off of the main bath area and discovered this . . .

 

I am very excited - I love the prints and the direction my bath is going to take.

I may hide in there once I am done and never come out.

Never mind

I started typing a post that I had composed in my head and you know what?

Never mind.

I think I whine enough about being heartbroken, lonely, stressed and sad and the days that I have small triumphs that make me pathetically glad.

Even I get tired of me, why am I surprised that other people do too?

I am going to go light a fire, pour a glass of wine and see if I can finish the decreases on my hat.  I am very close.

Felix Felicis

I am sitting here at 9:21pm and I have an HOUR of free time before I am going to go to bed. A whole hour where I do not feel guilty that I can sit and blog or knit or watch TV or read or play a game or daydream.  And I am going to go to bed in time to get 7 hours sleep too!  After having time to unwind and have a little R&R.

This has been a magical day for me in the fact that it seemed like everything I touched went well.  I mentored, managed, networked and even upon being asked to review a server configuration for redundancy, rearchitected and took $100,000 off of the price tag which was a 30% reduction.  The original solution was from my boss - he was vastly pleased with my ideas.  I juggled much and dropped nothing and it was nice to feel like I could do something really right!

I got home and made dinner and tidied and organized and even gave Bart an enema (don't ask - you'd be amazed what you will do when you love your pets) and even that worked too.  The kitchen is clean, my room is tidy and vacuumed, all bathroom sinks were wiped down, the garbage is rolled down to the curb.  The uniforms are in the wash for tomorrow and I am going to make cinnamon rolls for breakfast in the morning.

This is such a treat - I think I am going to pour myself a glass of champagne and play a game on the computer.

Oh there are projects I could do and boxes I could unpack but nothing that is necessary for a decent home or to be ready for tomorrow.   

BTW if you do not know what the title today means, please stop reading me and go read the last Harry Potter book - JK Rowling is a much better author than I!!

Pardon me, I seem to have lost my gender. If you see it . . .

Can you please return it to me?

I was sitting at work yesterday afternoon shooting the breeze with my boss.  Robert and I have a great relationship - we work more as partners than as boss/employee and have a healthy amount of respect for each other.  He mentioned that he had an opportunity to go to Nashville to see the Titans/Colts game on Sunday and that it had not sat well with his spouse.  Now if you have read my blog for any length of time (and if you have, I am so sorry.  It can be absolute drivel.) you will know that I am a pretty intense football fan.  So I blurted out "Oh I would have gone with you".  Robert then responded "Oh I don't think that would have gone over well at all".  I was so confused - what did he mean.  He said something about his wife (whom I know and adore and have a very good relationship with as well) and it hit me.  It was because I am a woman.  Now Robert has never treated me like I am a female and he is more demanding of me than of any of his employees.  It is due to his expectations, that I am the senior of my group.

After he left I picked up a thought that had hit me that morning. I seem to have lost my gender.  I do not remember the last time I felt feminine, dainty, pretty, cherished, protected etc.  Any of the things that help make you feel like a woman.  I am expected to be strong, responsible, dependable, competent.  It has an amazing way of squashing silly, fluffy, sexy and any of the softer side.

I haven't stopped normal grooming habits but they seem more a matter of form now than a matter of feeling good.

You see lots of articles on how women should not let being a Mom interfere with being a woman.  Well I can tell you that being a single Mom, you can just forget about it.  There is no place for gender roles.  You just try and get through as much today and hope you do not get further behind tomorrow.

So what I would like from Santa this year.  An opportunity, maybe even just a moment, where I can recapture the feeling of being feminine.  Truly feminine and drop the image of strength just for an instant.  I think it will take a Christmas miracle.

Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite in my home

Quick knitting update - I have finished the crown of my hat and after I finish posting tonight I am going to cannibalize the stripes of a sweater that I will never finish (and actually should never even thought of wearing) for the last of the Lambs Pride I need to finish the decreases and then the final product.  I am a week behind but I am pleased that I have kept on with a project, no matter how small.  The color way is Blue Blood Red.  Do kids today know what Blue Blood is?

I grew up in a nice family with a nice history and I was taught what you needed to know to be a nice girl.  I went to college with nice people and then promptly married someone that was nice, but not nice in the way I was accustomed.  He had not had the same social training that I had, he was well traveled and fairly well read and that masked many differences though.  Unfortunately the things that I clung to as familiar and what nice people did seemed foreign and snobby to him.  The rituals and rights of passage that seemed appropriate to me seemed restricting and archaic to him.  I married out of my background and then was shocked when we disagreed. HMMMM maybe there is something to arranged marriages after all?

So we are not married now so what is the problem?  Well the problem is not even him.  He is dating a woman that seems kind to my children, but she is not from my world either.  Which if we were friends would not bother me at all.   I know lots of people from many different backgrounds and get along very well with all  of them.  The problem is her influence on Catherine.  Catherine is a 9 year old girl and the constant jewelry and nail polish and hair curling when she is with her (the frequency is increasing) is not what nice, well brought up 9 year old girls do.  It is OK to wear a gold locket on special occasions and when Catherine won the AR award last year I did take her for a pedicure as a special treat.  I allow a very very sheer pink lip gloss and that is enough.    So tonight I drew Catherine aside before bed and told her that it was not nice and modest to do all of the jewelry and stuff that Stacey encourages her to do.

So now I am the wicked witch and if I am not carefull I will find a rebellion on my hands.  I feel so archaic but manners and what is appropriate needs to be taught - it does not come naturally.  If you know what is the very best behavior than you can always adjust to fit whatever situation you find yourself in.  Catherine did not take the conversation well, Stacey has styled herself Cat's best friend and big sister and, as always, the evil role falls to me.  So I come across as a snob and as mean and I just want my daughter to learn class so that she will always be comfortable.

Well off to frog my sweater.  Then my hat will be done.  And this stogy snobby woman needs some panache, as long as it is appropriate panache.

A touch of Christmas Spirit

I spent today recovering from a spectacular vertigo drop attack that started last night and lasted over 12 hours - I have not had one that bad in a long time.  But it is over and while a bit wiped out I am going to survive quite nicely.

So needless to say my day was limited to sleeping and in a fit of energy this afternoon reading a book.  Around 9pm I had gathered enough energy to shower and then I realized that today is December 1st.  Gasp my children were going to be home within the hour and I had not assembled the advent calendar.

So I worked quickly as any Elf from the North Pole and assembled this year's Playmobil Advent Calendar.  I popped a nail in the wall and hung it just as the front door made the beep beep beep sound and the kids came in.  Patrick went first this year and they were so excited.  He got the beginnings of a leafless tree and Catherine wanted the placement to be a group effort but I gently stopped her and said that it could be arranged and rearranged each night - they both were excited about that and no squabbles over who moved what where LOL

We often do the Playmobil Advent Calendar and this year's is great - it has an organ that plays music to be opened on Christmas Eve.  I played it over and over again as soon as I discovered it much to the Bonnie the cat's annoyance.  And the funny thing was the people this year was a Mom, kids and Santa.  It was a warm and welcome reminder that families come in all sorts and Christmas magic belongs to all.  The holidays seem full of images of the traditional family and the adoring husband and sometimes it gets to be too much.  This was just what I needed to see.

Well the kids are snug in their beds and I am too actually (ummmm blush thanks to the neighbor that has an unsecured wireless connection that I am borrowing only because I am sick) - I think I am ready to go to sleep.  Maybe dreams of sugarplums tonight.