Knitpickity

The bushes did not get whacked but my finger sure did . . .

Woke up this morning feeling guilty at the hooky I played yesterday.  Single moms do not get a day off and taking it yesterday put me behind.  So I got up and did housework and laundry and then got ready and took Catherine to see Beauty and the Beast performed by Ballet Memphis.  The beginning choreography was off, but it did get better and better and the passion and love was palpable by the end.  Beautiful dancing and the costumes were wonderful.  Picked up Patrick and stopped by the grocery store on the way home.  Made wonderful homemade steak and shrimp fajitas with all the trimmings including homemade Guacamole for me :)  OK by this time the guilt was really building up about what I didn't do this weekend so I figured I had enough gas to mow the front yard and enough time to get the front done and maybe even quickly whack back the holly bushes.  Well with ONE strip of grass left to go the mower runs out. HMMMMM go to the shed - shake the gas can and realize that there is enough to maybe get the last strip mowed.  So I dribbled the dregs into the mower and pulled and nothing and pulled and nothing and pulled and YEOW oh my oh curse curse curse.  Somehow the pointer finger on my left hand gets snapped by the pull starter of the mower.  Immediately a knot forms on the knuckle and it turns purple while the rest of me turns green.  After a few minutes of being bent over double - I tell myself that it is only a finger and manage to restart the mower and mow that last strip of grass.  The finger is continuing to swell which is nice because the pain is decreasing with the swelling and so I water the plants on the front porch but give up ideas of edging - weed whacking or bush trimming.  So I ice down the finger which reduces the swelling but the pain increases.  So finally I said forget it and wrapped it up (and gee when it started swelling again after I wrapped it up it feels loverly but it is more numb than hurting as long as I don't bend the stupid thing.  And slowly knit on my sock. 

Now I am finishing up laundry and the kitchen.  Here is a picture that sums up my day . . .

I am such a klutz!!!!

New Yarn and a movie

UMMM
I played hooky today.  I should have done my yardwork but I just did not want to.  Now normally when I do not want to something I do it anyways.  But nope.  I slept late surfed the web, got dressed and ran to the yarn store to get two 24" #2 circs for socks since the cotton yarn I had kept busting up my bamboo double points.  And I found some new oh so soft Regia silk/wool sock yarn that I just HAD to buy and sat at a table at the yarn store for three hours and knit.  I swatched, got gauge and frogged and cast on.

Here is a picture - not much to see yet but this will be great for when I want to knit and do not want to have to keep up with rows and patterns etc . . .

Also went to see United 93 with a friend this evening.  It will spark conversation but the film leaves you with a bad taste from the analysis paralysis and the waste of lives.  It was all so pointless.  As has been our international policies since that day.

So I took a day off and if the world ends tomorrow you will know it was my fault LOL.

Tired women do NOT knit

I have learned not to knit when I am very tired or stressed if I actually do not want to ruin what I am knitting.  So since I went to bed at 1:20am and had to get up at 4:40am I did not knit today.  I mostly just did the basics today and tonight snuggled up with Take Out Chinese and a book.

I was going to do yard work all weekend but it is supposed to storm so maybe I will be heathen and knit and read and relax.

Time will tell - night all - hope your Friday night is more exciting than mine.

Vastly aggravating day

I had a vastly aggravating day.

Work was phenomenally stressful.

The kids were the epitome of ungrateful.

AND I HAVE NO APPROPRIATE OUTLET FOR MY ENERGY.

Yes I could work out but I am too aggravated LOL

I know what would work in never never land.

Reality does not acknowledge fantasy.

Tomorrow is Friday.  Kids are always ungrateful and life goes on.

Tale of the Tortoise and the Hare

OK the tortoise - my knitting of my tank.  I have only done 10.5 inches - but I am working on it and hopefully the back will be done soon - since I am getting caught up I can knit more and since I am not as depressed (hey but as I have learned that can and will rapidly change LOL) I want to knit more.

Here it is so far - not very exciting . . .

But on the hare side - my internet connection has been slow forever and no amount of system tuning or tweaking ever fixed.  I knew it was my computer because when I hooked my laptop to the cable modem the speed was fine.  I was so aggravated - literally almost bought a new computer.

But tonight oh my I am surfing at the speed of light.  I found an installation of COMPUSERV (gag cough choke puke) on my computer - removed the damn thing and now I can surf instead of cleaning and knitting while I wait for pages to load.

I am not sure this is a good thing. I would hate for my knitting and cleaning to suffer!!

That's all folks!

New Toy

Not much time to post tonight because I have been playing with my new toy . . .

  But mine is black

Yup I have totally bought into yuppie america with my hybrid car, cell phone and now 30GB iPod.  Oh but it is for working out though.  That makes it better, eh?  I put 200 songs on it so far and when I have time I will add many more.

American Idol was weak tonight but that is ok.  House is still under control and life was pretty hectic today but I did fine.  Bad weather in Memphis again, but fortunately looks like everyone is ok.

No knitting today - sorry - ran out of time - and I was going to be bad and swatch some new yarn not work on my tank.  Tomorrow though I will knit during ballet class.

Still pretty sore from Sunday - think I am going to go relax in the bath before curling up and sleeping soundly.

You deserve a break today . . .

I got up this morning with an inspired idea.  It was the first day of dreaded achievement testing and I wanted my kids to be happy and energized for the day.  So I decided to run to McDonalds at 6:30 am and grab some sausage biscuits as a treat.  Couldn't find my keys after all of the picking up so after digging through and taking things out of my purse I spy them on the windowsill above the sink.  Grab the purse and go.  And order 2 sausage biscuits and a medium diet coke for me.  Grab the wallet.  Uh oh no wallet.  Remember the keys - took the wallet out looking for them and did not put it back.  I hear the manager say "drive up to the window please."  As I am sitting there apologizing profusely and saying I am sorry for messing up their line, she smiles and hands me my order.  I sputter and try and hand her the $1.25 I have scrounged out of my purse and she refuses it.  She smiles and says "this one is on me."  Wow wow wow.  So the kids get the wonderful breakfast treat and I am once again awed by the absolute kindness of strangers.  I go to that McDonald's a lot and I drive a unique car (a blue original model Prius) and so maybe they knew me.  Or maybe they just decided to be wonderfully nice and make someone's day.  Kindness - pass it on! 

I got another break today.  I felt really calm and in control almost the whole day.  Tonight felt a bit anxious and stressed for no apparent reason but acknowledged it and kept going.  I worked today, used my lunch hour to buy a few groceries and do laundry, made some sweet saves at work this afternoon, picked up my dry cleaning and my kids, made dinner and ate, watered the plants in pots, cleaned up the dishes, put away more laundry, played dance dance revolution with the kids, played dance dance revolution by myself for some exercise, knit 4 rows and realized my left hand is injured - I am typing very slowly tonight, so quit knitting (actually it is the purling that hurts) wiped down both bathrooms with pine-sol, took out the trash, fed and watered the animals and poured myself a margarita.  New tequila tonight - Sauza Hornitos.  I am usually a Cuervo Gold kind of girl.  I am still leaning toward the Cuervo Gold but I may have another Margarita mixed properly instead of tossing a couple of shots in a mug and topping it off with tequila mixer and stirring with a fork.

Dinner was good tonight - grilled out Brats at the kids request and served with chips and fresh cantaloupe.  But for fun I baked a Mrs. Smith Deep Dish Apple Pie and served it a la mode.  I am a very popular mom tonight!

Think it is time to curl up and read until I am sleepy.  But I did knit - tank back is about half done and I did take care of stuff and everything is organized for tomorrow.  So a good day.  Hey and tomorrow is American Idol night and I try never to be serious on American Idol night!

Of course I believe in Fairytales . . .

Of course I believe in fairytales . . . I am living in one right now and I am Cinderella LOL  I just realized that what really happened was that after putting in 14 hours of backbreaking labor Cinderella probably blew off the ball and crawled into the tub for a blissful bit of relaxation to ease the pain in her body.

At least that is how I am ending it today.  But I broke a vicious cycle today.  I am depressed (I am sure you would have never guessed that from my writings over the past month) and so I have not had the energy to keep up with the house/yard thing the way I should.  Which then makes me more depressed because I am so behind and living in a disorganized mess which frustrates me and makes me angry which makes me even more depressed.  Well this weekend but today especially I decided to try and do something about it.  So I worked.  I finished cleaning out my closet and packing away winter things and giving away things that are too big and packed away Catherine's winter things and picked up and sorted and ran things up to the attic and then went and mowed the yard and swept the driveway and front sidewalk and weedwhacked the front, and made dinner for the kids, then cleaned the kitchen got the laundry completely caught up and put away and cleaned both bathrooms.

I am still behind I could put in another week of work like this and maybe be caught up, but I am normal behind now and my home is liveable and I have a small measure of control over my life.

And I tucked in a breakfast with my friend Danielle this morning and talked to a friend that was in a car wreck 10 months ago and ran some errands.  No knitting or reading today but I did get lots accomplished and was a friend as well.  So I tried to focus and be positive.

But now I am beginning to feel the pain from the gain so I am going to try another hot bath and cold champagne.  I wish I did have a handsome prince to sweep me off my feet but maybe that is another chapter.

Night all.

The problem with Romance novels.

Got up and worked on my closet today.  Took Catherine for her cheerleading fitting.  Then went shopping and bought some new work clothes.  I tried on a size 0 skirt today at Ann Taylor that fit.  I bought the 2 that was slightly bigger because a 0 just seems depressing.  I talked to a friend today and she mentioned that I never look that small to her.  I wear a size 2 or 4.  She says I look to be a size 6 at least.  I don't think she meant to make me sad but it did.  I told her I weighed 128 lbs and she was shocked that I was that heavy.  That and the lady in C&E yesterday thinking that I was 47 yesterday (and  I quote "oh you can't be very old - I am guessing you are 47) really is making me blue. Anyways back to shopping.  Bought 4 new pairs of pants (all size 4 thank you very much) 2 skirts and 3 tops.   Took my new pants to get them shortened a bit (I have short legs for my height)  went and tanned, went to the grocery store to get some items, came home and made myself my one meal of the day but it was a good one - filet mignon, bread, spinach salad and baked potato.  And then I settled down to wash my sheets and picked up a romance novel.   So here I am fat old and rather unwanted reading about a young woman that has a wonderful man fall in love with her.  And of course they live happily ever after.  I probably ought to find some good books discussing nihilism.  Probably make me more cheerful.  Or maybe something on war and poverty or genocide.  It would make my failed personal life pale in comparison to real problems.  But for now . . .

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
Guess I'll go eat worms,
Long, thin, slimy ones; Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.
Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.

Hot and Steamy Date

It is Friday night and I am childfree tonight - the kids are with Ken.  So I decided to make it hot and steamy tonight.  And have a date.

I bought supplies . . .

Yup a massive spending spree at Crabtree and Evelyn - Candles and Bubble Bath and Linen Spray and Room Spray and Lotion and Eau de Toilette in the most ultra feminine fragrances.  Then grabbed a bottle of champagne and came home.  Lit the rose candles, made a Nantucket Briar Milkbath bubble extravaganza, poured cold bubbly, grabbed a romance novel, a fresh razor, a foot file and stayed over an hour in the tub.  I am clean, smooth and silky all over and smell like roses and am wearing ooh lala risque Victoria's Secret lingerie.  I have poured my second glass of champagne and lightly scented my couch with Lavender Linen Spray and am going to curl up and finish my racy book.

I may have to have another hot and steamy date tomorrow night.  Enjoy your Friday!!!

Giraffe necks and baboon bottoms

Real conversation tonight . . .

Patrick:  Mom it is hard to sit up straight and talk with someone and be polite.

Mom (aka me):  Look son I can sit straight and turn my head 180 degrees,  I can touch both shoulders with my chin.

Patrick:  I can't do that (add a whine to the voice with a lilt at the end)

Mom:  That would be because you don't have much of a neck - I told you, you were destined to be a football player - your head sits right on your shoulders.

Patrick:  Yeah and you have a really long neck Mom.  It looks like a giraffe's neck.  I have never seen a longer neck than yours.

Mom:  Hey and I can make you have a behind like a baboon.

Patrick:  Well you DO have a giraffe neck!!!

Mom:  Do you know what a baboon's butt looks like

Patrick:   Ummm Yes it is very pink

Mom:  You get the picture.

Conversations you never envisioned having with your child in a million years.  Also Patrick has only been taking his allergy medicine about 75% of the time.  I very nicely and somewhat obliquely managed a sex ed lesson and explained that in his case allergy medicine was like birth control pills.  75% of the time means that there could be big problems.  I do not think I am a normal mom.  Actually I KNOW I am not like the other moms.  I chaperoned a field trip today for the 6th grade gifted class down to the criminal justice center.  Great field trip and the kids were just perfectly behaved - even mine LOL.  On the way back we stopped at the local mall food court and I went to sit with the kids and was very disappointed when I had to sit with the other Moms. 

Ken was a typical ex tonight.  My mother says I need to stop feeling guilty.  And tonight I am not feeling guilty I am just AGGRAVATED!!!!!  I do not care (ok maybe a little bit to be honest) what he was doing (gee like that would take a rocket scientist to  figure out) but I needed to talk to him for 6 minutes about kid activities that would impact him.  At 5 minutes he asked if we could do this tomorrow.  UMMM NO dufus!!!  Some of the stuff is this weekend and I need to make arrangements and we are doing this at the normal time the kids call and you can just stop whatever for 6 friggin minutes and be a parent.

OK and if he was involved in whatever I am pretty sure he was involved with I am a bit jealous, but not in the way you think.  He is having fun and has no responsibility and I am tired of this farce of joint parenting.  UMMM Hello I get to do all of the work and you have no worries and I have no time for fun and am devoted to our kids, you rotten asshole.  Man a one way ticket to California sounds so good right now for him.  Oh but that is right.  Mr native speaker cannot be certified in California due to not getting a high enough score on one of his praxis tests.  Yeah the guy gets paid (but lives hand to mouth on over $40k in one of the cheapest cities in America with $42.00 per month in child support - no I am not kidding) to teach his native language.  Big achievement eh.  OK I am being bitchy - I will stop now.

Totally changing subjects - I received something wonderful today.  New dining room chairs from ebay and I am so thrilled.  They are in perfectly pristine condition and look great in the dining room.  I still need to move the baker's rack back into the kitchen and change the hardware but look how much prettier they make the dining room . . .

I put more pictures in the house section. And yes the glorious roses on the dining room table are from my garden and they smell like heaven.  I have picked over 3 dozen rose this week and my garden is still all covered in blooms . . . 

I am going to go drink a stiff amount of bourbon and enjoy my furniture.

One year gone by . . .

My marriage ended for all intents and purposes one year ago today.  I left open my email and Ken found out and that was it.  So what has it been like the past year?  Emotional is the first word that comes to mind.  I have felt guilt and relief, shame and joy, triumph and failure sometimes all within the space of 15 minutes.  It has not been an easy year but it has gone by quickly.

First and foremost, the kids are happy and well adjusted and I feel closer to them than I ever have in my life.  I have tried to not put them in the middle or make them pick sides and while I have not been perfect, I have been very very good and they still have the same relationship with their Dad that they always have.  They have had rough moments in this process, but I think they are truly better off for Ken and I to be divorced.

Financially we have been blessed.  For most single mothers there is a significant drop in the standard of living but we are still very comfortable.  No debt and there is money in the savings account, 401k is flourishing and every penney Ken was required to give me by the state of TN is in college funds for the kids.  I refuse to touch it but it will be great for them when they are in school.  We do not live in a big fancy house but I have refurnished our little house and it is much nicer now.

Ken, while angry, at least finally had reason to hate me and he seems to be doing fine.  I have no actual confirmation of this but he looks great and seems in good spirits and I believe that in an odd way I did him  a favor.  I do not think he sees it that way I am sure, but he appears to be living the life he wanted to live and I was keeping him from.  I guess we were both cowards since neither of us could just openly end the farce that was our marriage but one year ago today the wheels were put into motion and he was free.  I got to be the really bad guy.  I am very sorry that I was dishonest and treated Ken badly.  No matter what my perspective on him, I have never done anything to deliberately hurt another person.  I know it sounds lame to say I did not mean to hurt him.  If I hurt even just his pride I am sorry.

I always did know what I was doing was wrong.  There is no getting around that fact.  It ate me up inside.  But I am not sure that I would not do it again.  I guess that means I have not truly repented and that I am morally and ethically lacking.  Maybe I am.  But I believe it happened for not only a reason but many reasons. And honestly as horrified as I was that Ken found out I was so relieved.  I am not the kind of person that can easily live a lie and now things had to be dealt with.

So Ken left and I have put back the pieces and am going forward.  I am just not exactly sure where I am going.  And while I am pretty good on the outside I am still pretty torn up inside.  But much of the damage inside started long before this past year and it will take a long time to completely heal.  I was lonely, miserable and depressed with pretty frightening thoughts over 2 years ago.  I am still wrestling with those problems, but at least I don't have to keep up the facade of perfect wife and mother.  I am now a real mom dealing with things like other real moms.  And I am single.  It is much easier to be lonely when you are single than when you are married.  Too damn difficult to explain eh?

So the first year has passed. Tomorrow the second year starts. And I will try and keep taking it one day at a time.

Not particularly inspired

I am not feeling morose or witty or poignant or indignant or anything.  Which makes it a bit difficult to write.  Today I am mostly just kind of numb.  In a Novocaine not morphine way.  Today was a I got up and got ready got the kids to school went to work ran errands and tanned at lunch picked up the kids came home fixed dinner watched American Idol did laundry cleaned the kitchen knit on my tank and miscellaneous household chores kind of day.  I was nice kind patient understanding and encouraging to everyone that I encountered.

It is possible that I had an alien lobotomy while I slept last night.  Or maybe I have had a stroke.  Or just going on auto pilot for a while.

But I am not particularly inspired but I made a commitment to myself that I would write everyday for a while.  Until I am back to normal.

OK maybe until I figure out what normal is for me.  I think I will be writing for many days to come.

Back to folding the whites - oh and American Idol was great tonight.

Getting somethings right

My day

• Wake up and read my email for a few minutes and then greet my sleepy son.
• Discuss some fun ways to spend the day with him.
• Hug on my daughter and check out how she feels about the plans. 
• Go water the garden and enjoy the flowers and then get everyone dressed.
• Late breakfast at IHOP
• Tour the vesta homeshow downtown and have numerous fun and intelligent discussions with kids
• Take kids to the movie - eat ice cream and popcorn
• Take kids by to get forgotten items at their Dad's apartment.
• Hang out with kids in the evening and get them in bed.

I have been working at being a better mom and I was a good mom this weekend and a great mom today.  Patient but enforcing discipline and even bringing fun into their lives.  Not everyday is going to be jam packed with activities, but we had a free day today.

Now I am doing laundry and since I haven't slept much lately I think I am going to sleep.  And will continue practice living the right away again tomorrow.  The past two years were out of character for me.  Too caught up in stuff I guess.  I know what is right vs what is wrong and how to behave.  I think I got too in touch with my emotions.  Time to put the genie back in the bottle.

Happy Easter

Easter was lovely.  Absolutely wonderful.  I got up just before 6am and hid eggs and did some of the Easter Dinner prep and ironed clothes and helped the kids hunt for eggs and then got ready for church - we all looked nice and fresh. Came home to a lovely Easter dinner and spent the afternoon just enjoying each other and the weather and I did the dishes.

Today was hard on me.  I don't know why exactly.  Easter was really more "my" holiday.  Actually Easter is usually the woman's domain.  Men are supposed to dress nicely for church and realize that it is normal for a woman to go crazy while trying to get everything and everyone ready LOL.  For years and years Ken worked Saturday night and he usually came home to me finishing up the baskets.   I really missed him in church which is ironic.  Back when we were married I had always secretly hoped that he would believe.  That church and faith would be something that would help bring us closer together.  He never did, but I always have loved Easter services and it was odd and wistful not having him there.

We spoke on the phone tonight - discussing our taxes - and I wonder if he was wistful for what might have been too.  He was so nice and the conversation flowed easily between us.  It is hard on me when he is genuinely nice.  That is the only time it really hurts any more.  We were married for 14 years and there were some good times during those 14 years.  Not nearly as many as there should have been or even could have been, but there were some.  It is so twisted.  I cried when he was cruel and distant when we were married.  Now I cry when he is kind.

Next Wednesday it will be 1 year from the End.  Funny how much has changed on paper but in many ways things are exactly the same. 

Well this tired Easter Bunny needs to dry her watery eyes, read and relax.  Happy Easter.

Just photos

Still have lots to do but I did update some photo albums.

I will write about today tomorrow.  If I can move my sore abused body LOL

Update on the list

OK this is what I have on my list

• Clean Closet
• Home Depot (Dirt, hanging baskets, weed whacker, hooks(?))
• Dye Eggs
• Clean House
• Catherine Dress socks or sandals
• Cheerleading forms
• Mow grass, edge and weed whack
• Make Easter baskets
• Make Pound Cake
• Hard Boil Eggs
• Go to Grocery store for list and get some spring flowers
• polish silver
• set table

So the list looks just as long but lots of new items some of which I am going to do tonight like boil the eggs and work on my closet.  I am pretty darn tired - may skip the closet - we will see.  Taxes are paid and filed - phew.  I can always find more deductions though if I sit on it for a while and I did.  I guess I am early since they are not due until Monday this year LOL

I did do some things for my own personal gratification today.  New purse for spring/summer (I NEVER change purses so I get one that works for dress and casual and is good quality and try not to look at the price tag - UMMM Coach again)

I also impulsively bought coach flip flops today - but I *HAD* to have them!! See them here with my freshly pedicured toes (my fingernails even match until I tear up the polish tomorrow probably LOL)    OK ridiculous shoes but I think they are fun!!

I tried to take some pictures out in the garden tonight but the light was funky and too dark.  I did manage to get one truly stunning shot though . . .

Full size the detail is amazing - sorry you get the compressed image!

Well I think I have decided as I am sitting here (next to Bart who is feeling much better and out of the hall until bedtime) that I am too tired to do anything else tonight.  I think I will pop in Jerry MaGuire and wish that life were different.  Pour myself a drink and probably crash while watching the movie.

Tomorrow I am going to knock the heck out of the new list.

Thanking God!!!

Tonight I want to take a moment to give thanks.  I came home this evening to a used litterbox, a clean hall (ok he had thrown up a couple of times but not massive amounts of Cat urine everywhere) and a kitty looking at me in relief.  It was a kitty virus or Bart ate something he should not have and he is feeling much much better.  I am going to keep him separated for another day but if he continues to act normal then we can open up the house to him again.  Except for the living room.  I will put pictures of the new sofa and rug in the house photo album.  The chairs are 7 weeks away.  A coffee table and end table and book case and some accessories and it will be lovely.

I guess I did not want to admit it but I was terrified that Bart was going to die.  This year has  been so full of emergencies and tragedies that I just figured this was the next.  I know he is *just* a cat and he is 15 years old but I love him very much and I did not want him to suffer and I did not want him to die.  I think the stress impacted me in many ways this week.  I think I overreacted to Catherine's flooding of the bathroom due to the stress.  I need some stress management skills and some time to relax.  But just seeing him happy and friendly and going crazy for his dinner provided a huge boost to my morale.  I am not sure how I will handle another tragedy if I do not get some down time soon.  I just need time to live and not to have to cope if that makes sense.  One of my dearest and most special friends and I ate lunch today.  Her divorce was final 2 weeks ago and I asked her if she was adjusting.  She stated that it had been 5.5 months as a single parent.  I replied that time does not indicate adjustment.  She said something so profound then:

"You get through each day as much as you can and you try and plan for the next so you are not so behind"

I guess I am not the only one fighting that salmon feeling.

No knitting today but maybe just maybe tomorrow. 

Time for my evening prayer and then bed . . .

Thank you God for my children whom I love and give me wisdom and patience to be a better mother.  Thank you God for my family and friends that support me and share in all of the ups and downs.  Help me to learn to accept that which I have been given with Grace so that I can be used in the enrichment of their lives.  Thank you God for my pets and for allowing us the joy to love and care for your special creatures.  I often fail and ignore your teachings.  Please forgive my transgressions and allow me to grow in Your sight.  Your Kingdom is forever.

Amen.

Time for a quickie or why I respect Salmon

Man oh man - salmon swim upstream just to have a quickie and then right back to the ocean.  Then again next year.

I see some parallels to my life on many levels LOL but tonight it is all superficial.  Definitely PG-13 not R.  Hey once a year quickies would be nice.

Quick post tonight because time is flying against me and I have lots to do.  Little bit of knitting during ballet today - I have 7" done.  I have knocked out about 1/3 of my list and that is what I a swimming upstream against.  Easter is Sunday, I cannot reschedule it no matter what.

Took Bart to the vet - nothing obvious wrong - we are hoping he has a touch of a kitty virus and will start feeling better soon.  Otherwise I will need to get him some invasive tests - poor kitty.

Work was frustrating today - nothing went right hence I have to sign on as soon as I get off here and get some more work done.

I have the living room almost ready for the new rug and sofa tomorrow.

So lots of work and a long day tomorrow.

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

Enjoy a quickie tonight on me!

Loser/Wowzer/Moser

One of my kitties is having a problem and peed on 5 different surfaces in my family room today.  I will take him to the vet tomorrow but while that happened Catherine flooded the bathroom with an inch of water that went over the threshold and started flooding the hall as well.  Then she tried to mop it up with one towel and brought the streaming bathmat and towel out of the bathroom and soaked most of the rest of the house.  Then she went into hysterics and I got mad at her (especially for not calling me for help) and then  I got even more frustrated with her screeching and wailing.  I would not put my reaction tonight up as a good mother night but as a horrid mother night.  I lost it with her.  She has just been such a trial lately and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I explained to her why I was so mad and told her that tomorrow would be a new day and that I loved her but I don't think she believed me.  So I feel guilty for screaming at her - then Patrick got upset because I was upset so I had to calm down my stressed 11 year old before I even had time to calm down.  I did much better at parenting with him and got him to explain what he would have done (locked Catherine in the bathroom with towels until it was dry and walked away)  I am going to remember that when he calls me totally aggravated at one of his kids some day and give it back to him as advice LOL  I explained to him that it is not great for Moms to yell but that I was upset and frustrated at the situation but it was completely over.

Needless to say knitting did not take place as planned tonight.  Which is a shame because I actually felt pretty good this afternoon.  My boss sprung the need for me to learn and implement virtualization of  I/O and ethernet by ummmm FRIDAY - eeeeek - my calendar was already booked and this is pretty cutting edge stuff.  Well miracles do sometimes occur and I figured it out.  It just made total sense to  me and WOW I did it.  My boss seemed pretty impressed.  Heck I was impressed.   Virtualization is the latest hottest technology in my field and I figured it out quickly - also I am asking the right questions to master it.  Nice feature to add to my resume.  But I ended the day totally euphoric and bubbling because I had something go right and go early.  I had forgotten what joy felt like.  And I felt totally alive.  And even though I am calmer now and recovering from the kitty/flood disasters I do feel more like myself tonight than I have for a long time.

I know anyone perusing my blog would think I am the world's single most self centered person.  Me me me me me me all the time.  Please understand that this is my one place that I do that.  I always try and focus on other people's needs and feelings.  Then I get frustrated when they do not acknowledge mine LOL.  But seriously I love my children, my family, my friends and just about everyone else in the world and would do anything for them.  And I think that they realize that while I am sometimes cranky it is mostly an act and that I will happily work magic when I can.   The fairy dust supply is pretty low but it will return.  I can and will make more - it just takes a little time.

Speaking of things that take time - in its third year my Nelly Moser clematis is blooming and growing vigorously up my Dr. Huey rose (ok I am growing Dr. Huey on purpose - don't ask LOL)

I know you are dying to see a picture of Nelly Moser so here she is . . .

Redoute bloomed today - I love this rose - my first Austin and it takes my breath away still

Mme Alfred Carrière continues to pop blooms out - here is a bud and another bloom

 

Also received my herbs and perennials from Bluestone today and I have a new love!!!

POLEMONIUM Blue Pearl also known as Jacob's Ladder

Totally dainty beautiful flowers on great foliage!!!

Tan misery looks better than pale misery

They say (and I believe *they* are right) that tan fat looks better than pale fat.  I am going to take that a step further and say that tan misery will look better than pale misery.  My battle with my psyche has left me wan and interesting looking.  Not a good interesting, but more the corpse, zombie type of interesting.  So in the interest of appearing more mainstream and less "Night of the Living Dead", I went and spent time at the fake and bake today.  I am going to try and do that several times this week so that I have a healthy glow as opposed to an ugly pallor.

It was the top thing on my list.  Wanna see my list for this week?

• Fake 'n' Bake
• Finish unpacking good stuff
• clean closet
• Home Depot - Dirt, hanging basket(s), weed whacker, hooks (?)
• Easter Candy
• Menu for Easter Dinner
• Dye Eggs
• Clean House
• Catherine Dress Socks
• Mail Mortgage
• File Taxes
• Go to bank
• Cheerleading forms
• Order Ham

Today I made the list.  Tomorrow I will accomplish some of the items on my list.  That makes me normal don't you think.  I am doing all the things that normal people do and if I keep practicing then it will become habit.

That is one reason I am blogging even though I don't have much good to say.  Trying to get back in the habit of doing things that once brought me joy and pleasure.  I figure that if I keep up with my hobbies and interests then one day my soul will wake up and be healed.

I received my package from Elann today - they are such a joy to do business with.  I am itching to play with one of my new projects but that generally just leads to lots of unfinish projects.  So I keep knitting on my tank - see (well sorta see - the compression program is having fits and starts with the colors):

Just a little every day.  Taking life a few rows at a time right now.  Trying for self discipline.

The rose that is eating my patio and other musings

OK If you cannot say anything nice - don't say anything at all.

So I will not mention the 10 going on 15 year old that spent the night at my house.

Or my 8 year (almost 9) year old daughter that picked up all of her friends bad behavior and added to it.

Or the fact that the young lady stayed at my house until 5 pm today (when is it socially ok to kick people out of your home)  Shouldn't her mother know that I would eventually want her to go home?

Or the fact that my 15 year old cat peed on the sofa and on my duvet.  Not lots so I almost suspect incontinence.

But I did have some shining moments!

1.  The Beignets were really yummy this morning!! I made real hot chocolate with milk to go  with them and they qualified as scrumptious.

2.  I have unpacked lots more of my crystal and china and my hutch looks overflowing again.  I think I will keep the living room closed off from senile kitties when the new furniture comes.

3.  Patrick helped me in the yard today - he had a super attitude and we had a great time.  He also helped me with the kitchen.  He is really maturing - hasn't spread to his homework but I have hope!!!  I did tell him he would make a  wonderful house husband today - that might have been the motivation he needed to start doing his homework LOL

4.  Dinner today was super - Filet Mignon, homemade garlic cheese mashed potatoes, steamed veggies

5.  Got lots done in the yard today - and so much is starting to bloom!!  And my roses are really lush this year.  I have one that is eating an ugly chain link fence and it is covered in buds and has already bloomed some.  It smells like heaven and looks like a fountain!  It is a noisette, Mme Alfred Carrière.  Here is a picture:

Here are some other blooms from my garden today:

   

"Mom, can we paint our toenails black?"

Too tired to post much.  Mostly due to comments like the above one.  Catherine has one of her BFF here (best friends FORever) and it is Ashley's 10th birthday.  We did cake and had a present and then I took Catherine and Ashley for real manicures.  Their fingernails are a lovely pale lavender.  Why they thought that black toenails would be a good match, I will never know!!!  It is after 11pm - I am getting ready to be a mean Mom and tell them they have to get ready for bed so I can go to bed.

I did manage to get my china and crystal down from the attic today.  I thought the boxes were to heavy and the contents too valuable to risk getting it down myself.  However I have come to realize that getting them down myself was my only option especially if I want to set a decent table for Easter.  So I used logic and my head (literally my head - I balanced them on the attic ladder with my head on the way down) and have unpacked half of the boxes.  I will finish up tomorrow and have my play pretties back where I can use them and enjoy looking at them

I did knit last night and today and my tank is over 3" long.  Not much but I am hoping to have some quiet knitting time tomorrow.  Well quiet is a relative term.  Both girls are little pop music DIVAS and I will probably be knitting to Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani being warbled off key with some important words omitted.

I don't think I was into nail polish and pop music this early - sigh - signs that I am really getting old.

Well time to whip up some beignet dough for the morning and get the girls quiet and myself in bed. 

1+1+1+1+1+1 does not equal Mr. Right.

I have been doing some accounting lately.  Heck I am always accounting in one way or another.  It is just who I am.

For example, I bought at Toyota Prius in 2003.  Hybrids were not even known then much less cool or desirable.  Now, thanks to the gas prices, my geeky liberal move is trendy and cool.  But I have had the car 3 years and was getting the new car itch. So I decided to see what my car was worth.  Trade in is $16,000 - sell to an individual buyer was $17000 and up.  Oh my goodness.  I paid $20000 for the car 3 years ago and it has barely depreciated and it still gets the best mileage for a sedan.  UMMM No brainer.  Keep the Prius and give thanks for the value that the car has held.

I have recently done some other accounting.  I was communicating / seeing 6 men.   Not sleeping with silly, but in a relationship of some sort with 6.  That would have been 8 days ago.  Now I am down to zero.  Zilch. NONE.  No they did not all dump me (one did though - yeah the one that stood me up I count as dumping).  They all did disappoint me though. And I had to think why I would let things get so complicated.  I spend most of my life thinking.  It is quite annoying for my friends etc.  And I realized that I was using each of them to fill a different need or want of mine.   I am an engineer - it was a solution to a problem.  But it was not the right solution.  So I am currently free and single and resting.  What an enormous drain on my energy level.

Bad weather here in the Mid-South again.  They let school out early and ballet was cancelled.  So with some extra time but not much hope I went furniture shopping at Furniture Factory Showroom.  I have bought several pieces from them and been happy but did not remember anything that would fit my vision . . .

My vision??? For my living room I pictured a variety of muted tones and a french feel that I had fondly called Paris Apartment.  A vintage looking room but not period, comfortable but still nice for formal living.  And lo and behold I found the sofa that I had envisioned.  Pale celery velvet camel back with exposed legs and slightly flared modern arms.  Tall in the back.  No particular period or era but a mixture that was definitely vintage.  So I frantically called my designer (my Mother - who has been very kind to me throughout this whole ordeal of redecorating my house) and exclaimed "I found it I found it - now I need chairs".  Well she tried to help me through the phone but it is hard to do (especially while lifting chairs and moving them all over the store) so she gently suggested I speak to a design consultant at the store.

What.  HMMMM Those people with rules and their own opinions who would never understand my eclectic vision and quirky but hopefully vaguely charming style.  Who would want me to buy the cookie cutter furniture styles of today.

Panic set in, but I am so tired of an empty living room.  So I asked for help.

Sometimes you do get more than you pay for!!! I met Carolyn who is a lovely lovely woman and she listened and GOT MY VISION.  She repeated back what she thought I said and showed me pieces that fit in and understood that I needed to feel love for the pieces, not follow rules.  She was amazing.  I haveon order a gorgeous pair of club chairs with a slightly vintage 1930's maybe even deco feel to them in a gorgeous linen with a scrollwork pattern all over them.  They also have a crystal beaded fringe around the bottom that gags my son but I like and find fun and quirky. The background is a gold/taupe tone (echoing the gold in the tassel fringe on the sofa throw pillows) with a darker taupe scroll pattern overlaying the whole chair.  How did we know the colors to use for the chairs?  Because she helped me find this:

The colors are more vibrant than this picture shows and with the beige walls it should look wonderful.  But Carolyn told me if I do not LOVE it (and I appreciate her knowing that I have to LOVE to keep) I could simply return it.  Now it will be a couple of months before I have my chairs because we custom ordered them.  But my rug and sofa will be here Thursday.  I am so EXCITED!!!!

Well I am going to go do some knitting on my tank.  I think my living room will be a perfect place to sit a knit when I get it done.  Ooooo la la!

Beep Beep Beep Beep

On call this week.

Heard almost constant beeping from my pager starting at 1:30am

So I am very very tired!!!!

I did knit two inches on the back of my tank - pictures as soon as I get my charger.

Basing it on this Berroco design - sizing it down and adding some detailing

Also ordered some yarn from Elann for a few projects.  Hoping that it will inspire me to keep knitting

Thought that this would show off the belly button ring - using this yarn

And got some things for some lace projects - I may never have time to do the lace but  I love it the most of all knitting.

OK Kids are in bed and I am heading that way after folding laundry and cleaning the kitchen.

Night All!

Amish paradise and things that bring us together

OK even I get tired of being maudlin.  When I get too mired in my negative emotions I have to kick myself in the behind.  No one else is going to try that.  I think when I can find someone that is not afraid to kick me in the fanny from time to time then my life will be complete.

Today started out amazingly weird.  The alarm woke me up at 6am.  I never am asleep when the alarm goes off.  What was even weirder is that I was exactly positioned how I placed my head on the pillow at 11:45pm the night before.  I had lay down, fallen asleep instantly (never ever happens) and slept the night through without waking up (OK Aliens did invade)  I was deep into a work dream and I think I was arguing with some of our contractors from India when my celtic cd that I wake up to went off.  It was weird because nothing hurt in my body.  All my muscles were relaxed.  So a great start to the day.  But then the lining to my dress pants that I had planned to wear today was messed up.  And so it was a 4 outfit kind of morning when you finally just leave on the last thing not because it looks good but because you have no more time.

Then there were lots and lots of work issues this morning.  Which I took care of.  Afternoon was blah with me fighting off the blues and panic.  Got tired of myself so I stopped off at the house on the way to take Cat to ballet and got -eeek YARN and NEEDLES  I started knitting a swatch.  I have had this yarn for years and love it and thought it would make a cute tank for one of those long flowy skirts that are in fashion now.  I even took a picture  (the battery is so dead - my charger shipped today hooray)

Now the funny thing is that I grabbed the yarn mostly to be antisocial.  Lots of time while we are waiting at ballet the Moms gab, myself included.  I was trying to avoid it today especially after the conversation I had last Friday.  I was discussing the second date that I was supposed to go on Saturday night (you know the one that I got stood up)

Other mom:  Oh you can't date until your youngest is 18.  That is what Dr. Laura says.

Me:  Oh but if I were a widow could I date?

Other mom:  A widow - oh yes, but divorce?  Divorce really does things to the kids.

Me:  Yes and the death of a parent does nothing to most kids (followed by a sweet southern smile plastered on my face)

So I was sitting there on the sofa wrapped in my knitting when I feel three faces looking at me.  Three of the ballet 4 girls that Cat danced with as a polichinelle wanted to ask what I was doing.  You know kids are great conversationalists.  They ask questions and then discuss the answer.  Most adults could use lessons from these girls.  They do not sit and nod and call that good listening.  They engage in the conversation.  I enjoyed them so much and also made sure I enjoyed my kids tonight.  Patrick helped me clean the kitchen tonight (Catherine got last night) and that is turning out to be a great time with the kids.  Then I was downloading music (Shakira is really working for me right now) and played some Creed for Patrick.  He thought it was ok but his favorite artist is Weird Al Yankovitch, which I generally dislike.  Mostly it is the cheap keyboard that gets on my nerves sometimes it is the rampant stupidity of his lyrics.  But you know, I really enjoyed Amish Paradise.  And it gave Patrick and I some bonding time.

So I am going to pour myself a drink and peruse my knitting patterns.  I have a tank to start now that I have decided to stop sulking.  I may not finish my tank.  I seem to have a problem finishing what I start these days.  But maybe it will help me pull myself back together. 

A little bit of this

Survived today ok.  Made sure I looked nice - that is a great defense.  Thank goodness for makeup.  Buried myself deep in work with bouncy happy attitude to everyone that crossed my path.  Only two people noticed anything amiss.  Tifani figured out that yesterday I had yet another vertigo attack - damn things are beginning to run my life and a coworker today asked a few probing questions and the mask slipped for a little bit.  He tried to tell me that my fairytale is yet to come.  I am really not sure I agree. But all in all a successful day.  Funny thing is the way I handle the panic in public is to get very busy and try to make things feel normal.  I tend to get waaaaaay too much accomplished and that makes my boss happy.  It is a weird thing - I am falling to pieces but I am kicking butt at work.  Just trying to keep control over my environment.  I did get the shakes around 2pm but tackled some new technology and overcame.

American Idol was better this week but not great - still it was nice to have.  Made the kids a good dinner tonight.  I just cooked out bratwurst.  I am glad for daylight savings time - I prefer my meat grilled and now with it being light later I can come home - light the grill and not have a big mess and food I prefer.

I have been focusing lots on my negative emotions lately.  I seem to be stuck in them and cannot get past it.  Hapiness is such an easy act but the reality is an echo.  So last night I went to play with my camera to capture some happy things.  Unfortunately my camera battery had died but I finally did remember to order a new charger.  I left my original battery charger in the hotel room after my Granddaddy's funeral and it was lost and gone forever.  New one here soon.  Hopefully before my roses go nuts.

Want to see some of my favorite rose pictures?  I love my garden - I can work there until I am so tired that I no longer care about my problems.  I can eventually lose myself in the sounds and smells and the feel of the dirt and the pleasure of looking for new life in my plants.

Boundaries Priorities and Breaking Points

Two days successfully avoiding other people.  Tomorrow I have to face people again but I think I can hide successfully enough to be normal.

In the past year I have lost my marriage.

Lost true love.

Lost a close friend to a car accident.

Lost both my grandparents.

Lost all of the fish in my tank and my daughter's gerbil.

And in some ways I think I have lost my mind.

I have gained two important things

Increased self respect and awareness

a better and more real relationship with my parents.

I realize finally after a rough and often bitter year that I do have something I was never willing to admit to.  I have my boundaries.  I am an amazingly tolerant and forgiving person.  It is my nature and who I am.  I realize my own failings too well to judge you on yours.  And mistakes happen - even big horrible life changing mistakes.  But just because life changes does not mean that it stops.  Mistakes have to be dealt with.  But I am tired of dealing with not only my own mistakes but other people's as well. I have found my boundaries and have reached them.  I am tired of doing stupid things and having to deal with them and I am tired of other people's mistakes that they let me deal with too.  My soul is too bruised for that.

And I am nobody's priority and that has made me sick too.  I have feelings, I have needs and honestly I have dumped very little on other people this year.  I have dug deeper and deeper and found strength to carry my burdens and lots of other people's burdens as well.  I have practiced kindness and patience and love and understanding.  But I am running dry.  It has gotten to the point that a stranger being nice to me puts me in tears.  Maybe it is time to run away and find a new place where everyone is a stranger.  People that do not know you can be nice.  Why is it when people get to know me that they stop?  I am probably the problem and just cannot figure out what makes me so darn tiresome.  Is it my singing?  My boring droning writing?  I do not know.  But I know that even the people that are tired of me will call on me if they need me and God help me I will respond.

I have finally reached my breaking point and am not exactly sure what to do to repair me.  I don't look broken on the outside and I will be damned if people find out that I am one or two incidents away from the funny farm.  I am fighting the black abyss that sucked me in once 22 years ago but not for myself.  My kids need me.  So sometime in the next 9 years I need to find out how to need myself.

So my kids get what is left for now.  And everyone else can just go away.  I have nothing left to give.  I am pretty much empty.

Even *IT* Girls get the blues ...

I was really ready to try and be normal.  Really rejoin the land of the living and move forward and not dwell on what I wanted life to be.  I spent from 7pm last night until 7am this morning alternately sleeping and feeling sorry for myself and decided that I hurt just as much laying there as living my life.  So I tried today to function and put tons of effort into it.  I am not saying it was fun or easy but damn it I tried.  And then tonight I had a second date.  I have not allowed myself a single second date - too complicated and too many questions.

And got stood up for my trouble thank you very much.  I looked great tonight - I usually do not feel like I look good but tonight I did.  I went and grabbed sushi and then to the bookstore and people stared.  I was not outrageously attired - I just looked right tonight.

I stopped at the liquor store on the way home and my guys there started ribbing me about Pete.  Pete is the owner and probably in his 60's but he has an incredible palate and I always give the young ones a hard time and hug on Pete.  Pete had gone for the night and they said I had to put up with them.  I let them know my plight and they were so sweet to me.  They even bought me a bottle of plum wine.  In the car I finally lost it.  I have cried and cried for Ken, for Andy and mostly for myself.  I have a hard time when people are nice to me.  So many people are not.  2 guys that just know me from my infrequent trips to the liquor store felt like I needed cheering up.  And tonight I am sending them both good karma and happy vibes and fairy dust.  Thank you both for being sweet to a damsel in distress.

A friend of mine once said he could never picture me crying.  I am glad he cannot see me tonight.   The tears are coming so fast they are splashing.  I never ever have tried to hurt anyone in my life.  I just cannot do that to other people.  I would do anything in my power to help someone else.

Certainly that has to count for something.