Knitpickity

The *IT* Girl

You know sometimes I get mad at myself.  I am probably overly prone to introspection and analysis.  So I make myself take stock - put my assets and liabilities on paper.  The good and the bad weighed.  And honestly on paper I have nothing AT ALL to complain about.

I had a good childhood, decent teenage years (no acne even and enough dates to enjoy and feel socially adjusted not so many that I had to deal with the pressures of the popular girls) successful college - early marriage that until the end was the fairytale in public at least.  Two gorgeous bright kids, and then a fairly cordial divorce.  Great Job, considered nice looking, plenty of male interest in the newly single me.  Lots of wonderful friends and a supportive loving family.

And I still want to run away.  I still am looking for whatever I need to complete me and make me feel like I am in the plus column.

The *IT* girl - or maybe at my age the *IT* woman.  Independent, successful, attractive - I have everything.

So why am I so lonely and empty inside.

HMMMM - guess you wish I had stuck to American Idol LOL

Totally mundane and stupid

OK No great philosophy.

No meanderings about knitting.

The kids are doing fine.

BUT AMERICAN IDOL JUST SUCKED TONIGHT.

OK I have a guilty secret - so of course I am posting it for whomever stumbles across my blog.  I enjoy 4 TV shows (none of which have any intellectual value)  I watch American Idol (this is the first season I have watched) Survivor, CSI and ER.  UMMMMM tonight I turned on the TV for one hour and wow was that a total waste of my time. OOOOWWWWWWWW what a bad singing night.

I am actually very disappointed.  It is a guilty pleasure and it was not worth it tonight.  Kind of like indulging in something really fattening and bad for you and having it taste like cardboard mixed with mud.

OK so my vice is mindless TV - there are worse things - now the glass of champagne I do not count.

The nice thing is that I am just going to focus on silly stuff tonight.  I need a break from the other stuff.  So probably do my readers.

Oh I ate junk food tonight.  I guess I am trying to rot my brain and body.

I feel good about junk food and junk tv though - it keeps me from becoming a prosaic high-minded bore.

Hey I need to go do laundry.  Maybe I will play some Karaoke revolution while I am waiting for it to dry and pretend that I am the next American Idol

HAHAHAHA

That would be so bad and so scary.

I advise you to change the channel.

Quickly

Dreams die the hardest

It is interesting to me that when faced with a difficult situation or choice in life that the possibilities of what could be so often overshadow the reality of what is.  If you are facing medical treatment, even if you are miserable from what you are dealing with, the fear of what it could be often holds a person back.  If you are involved in something that is not working it is difficult to leave it behind because of your dreams and imagination of what it might be or could be.

Maybe it is just me.  I have a never say die mentality and have trouble giving up even when I should.  I think it is part of being the eternal optimist.  So it is broken today does not mean that it cannot be fixed and work in the future . . .

The decision to give up to me is one of the hardest decisions and makes me physically ill.  It is funny the one reoccuring nightmare I have about college is the one class that I did not need to graduate that I dropped my senior year.  I hate to quit.

So learning to quit - good thing or bad thing - I am not sure.  Is it incredibly arrogant for me to think I can fix anything??  I don't mean to be arrogant.  I just want things to work.  I have to learn that it is ok for things not to work.

More growth to come LOL